The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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