then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just found a bag of teeth...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
