i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
