she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
