when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
