it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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