i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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