Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
