Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
