Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
