stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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