I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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