Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
