a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
