Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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