he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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