I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
