So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
