she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
