I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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