oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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