I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
