I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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