Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
