it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
