just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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