Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
