im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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