This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
