If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
