Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
