Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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