last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
