My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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