He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
