I'm jealous of your bromance
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
