So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
