he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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