Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
