My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
