There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The feeling are messing with the penis
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
