im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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