Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
