i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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