I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Such a big mess for such a small penis
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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