Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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