last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
