My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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