I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
