Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
