I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
