Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
